When we are born, our most important relationship is our relationship with our primary caregiver(s), or the person or people who are taking care of us. Without them, we couldn't survive as baby humans, so our brains are hard-wired to care A LOT about that relationship.
See! Babies often resort to eating their own foot without adult supervision.....awe SO CUTE!!
Studies have shown that the dynamic of our relationship(s) with our primary caregiver(s) helps to inform or shape the dynamics of our relationships with others later in our lives......which makes sense right?
Let's say that Mom or Grandpa or Sister Evelyn, or whoever is raising us, have unpredictable or scary behavior when we're growing up, we might find it hard to trust others into adulthood.
This field of study is called Attachment Theory which has had contributions by many, many brilliant psychologists and researchers. Attachment Theorists have narrowed down these types of dynamics into categories and these categories are known as your personal Attachment Style.
Studies have shown that the dynamic of our relationship(s) with our primary caregiver(s) helps to inform or shape the dynamics of our relationships with others later in our lives......which makes sense right?
Let's say that Mom or Grandpa or Sister Evelyn, or whoever is raising us, have unpredictable or scary behavior when we're growing up, we might find it hard to trust others into adulthood.
This field of study is called Attachment Theory which has had contributions by many, many brilliant psychologists and researchers. Attachment Theorists have narrowed down these types of dynamics into categories and these categories are known as your personal Attachment Style.
One of the most popular and fun-to-read books on the subject is
called 'Attached' by Amir Levine, M.D. and Rachel S. F. Heller, M.A.
Their website has links to find your personal Attachment Style
as well as to learn more about your partner(s)'
The BIG takeaways from Attachment Theory:
There is no "good" or "bad" attachment style; We all have had experiences that have shaped us to be the people we are today and we still carry those with us. There are ways to help yourself get more towards the middle of the spectrum, or more Secure, which we strive for only because it is easier and helps us have more fulfilling relationships with ourselves and others, NOT because secure people are "better"!
Each of these Attachment Styles typically come with a "portfolio", if you will, of certain behaviors.
For example, many people with Anxious Attachment experience such feelings of dread and desperation about losing their relationship(s) that they can act out in ways that often look like:
being overly needy, getting too deep too quickly, and going through their partner(s)' phone, email, etc.
For another example, many people with Avoidant Attachment experience such feelings of dread and desperation about getting close and intimate with someone that they can act out in ways that often look like:
ghosting, dropping plans, and never committing.
And for a third example, many people with Secure Attachment experience such relative peace and calm about closeness and intimacy with others that they are trusting, work through inevitable relationship hardships without questioning their entire relationship, and know that they are inherently worthy of love and connection.....sounds pretty nice, right?
I bring these things up NOT to shame or alternatively to let you off the hook for some difficult behavior, but to tell you that
YOU ARE NORMAL
Yes, YOU. ALL OF YOU!
Each of these Attachment Styles is completely normal and an understandable reaction to having gone through some normal human stuff. So please take this opportunity to learn more about yourself, to empathize with how you got here and how you came to be this way, and to learn some tools that might help you get closer to peace, connection and security.