Have you ever been in a relationship with someone and
you think you're doing all the right things,
all the things that worked in past relationships
but your partner just does not feel all the effort that you're putting in
and you just cannot figure it out no matter how much you try?
SO PAINFUL! For BOTH of you!
you think you're doing all the right things,
all the things that worked in past relationships
but your partner just does not feel all the effort that you're putting in
and you just cannot figure it out no matter how much you try?
SO PAINFUL! For BOTH of you!
YOU MIGHT BE SPEAKING DIFFERENT LOVE LANGUAGES
People have different ways that they like to be shown love.
And what we are naturally inclined to do to show love just might not be landing the way we hope.
Luckily, there is an entire book by Gary Chapman that explains the different ways that people like to
show and be shown love by the people closest to them.
So, what are these mysterious "languages" and how do we learn to read and speak them?
People have different ways that they like to be shown love.
And what we are naturally inclined to do to show love just might not be landing the way we hope.
Luckily, there is an entire book by Gary Chapman that explains the different ways that people like to
show and be shown love by the people closest to them.
So, what are these mysterious "languages" and how do we learn to read and speak them?
Physical Touch
This one is pretty self-explanatory in some ways but not all. This love language is all about the sensation of actual touch; things like hugs, kisses, pats, rubs, sex, etc.
Some important things to note about this love language are that:
just because someone's primary love language is touch, doesn't mean they always want sex, that they like all forms of touch or that they want it at any or all times. Not all people who enjoy sex or want to have sex often have physical touch as their primary love language.
Often for a person whose primary love language is touch, a supportive hand on the back or shoulder, a squeeze on the arm or holding a hug a little bit longer than usual means so much.
These are often the people who tend to hug folks hello and/or goodbye, who will touch you when they squeeze by you at the grocery store, and partners who like a lot of close snuggling.
This one is pretty self-explanatory in some ways but not all. This love language is all about the sensation of actual touch; things like hugs, kisses, pats, rubs, sex, etc.
Some important things to note about this love language are that:
just because someone's primary love language is touch, doesn't mean they always want sex, that they like all forms of touch or that they want it at any or all times. Not all people who enjoy sex or want to have sex often have physical touch as their primary love language.
Often for a person whose primary love language is touch, a supportive hand on the back or shoulder, a squeeze on the arm or holding a hug a little bit longer than usual means so much.
These are often the people who tend to hug folks hello and/or goodbye, who will touch you when they squeeze by you at the grocery store, and partners who like a lot of close snuggling.
Words of Affirmation
This love language is all about verbal words of encouragement, love, support and validation.
Some important things to remember about this love language are that:
Only genuine comments do the trick here, if you aren't being honest in what you're saying, people with Words of Affirmation as their primary love language will be sensitive to that. Compliments on physical beauty and appearance are nice but they are sort of like the icing on the cake. The real fluffy deliciousness is going deeper about things like their character, their passions, interests and creations, their expressions and other things that are deeply meaningful to them. When you verbalize that you notice these things and love that about them, they will likely take it to heart.
Often for a person whose primary love language is Words of Affirmation, things such as an extra call or text on a big or difficult day, unsolicited compliments and positive things you notice or feel about them, or speaking to others about what you're proud of them for in front of them go a long way to making them feel loved.
These are often people who ask a lot of questions about how you feel about them, want to show you things they are working on and passionate about, and message people close to them throughout the day.
This love language is all about verbal words of encouragement, love, support and validation.
Some important things to remember about this love language are that:
Only genuine comments do the trick here, if you aren't being honest in what you're saying, people with Words of Affirmation as their primary love language will be sensitive to that. Compliments on physical beauty and appearance are nice but they are sort of like the icing on the cake. The real fluffy deliciousness is going deeper about things like their character, their passions, interests and creations, their expressions and other things that are deeply meaningful to them. When you verbalize that you notice these things and love that about them, they will likely take it to heart.
Often for a person whose primary love language is Words of Affirmation, things such as an extra call or text on a big or difficult day, unsolicited compliments and positive things you notice or feel about them, or speaking to others about what you're proud of them for in front of them go a long way to making them feel loved.
These are often people who ask a lot of questions about how you feel about them, want to show you things they are working on and passionate about, and message people close to them throughout the day.
Acts of Service
This love language is all about showing love and caring through actions like helping with chores or a project, grabbing something you know they'll like, and letting them sleep in.
Some important things to remember about this love language:
The love language of Acts of Service is about both things that will save them personal time, energy, money, etc. such as filling their car's gas tank so that they don't have to, as well as things that show thoughtfulness, forethought, etc. such as hanging the christmas lights you know your partner wants up.
Not all acts are created equal as there are some tasks that these folks may always want to do themselves while others they are more than happy to have help with or to have someone else take over completely.
Often for a person whose primary love language is Acts of Service, stepping in during a moment when they feel particularly stressed or overwhelmed is even more helpful and makes them feel even more loved and cared for. They will likely not ask for this help but the fact that you paid enough attention to notice and then chose to step in and help will mean so much to them.
These are often people who are VERY busy most of the time, who often take on too much, and are used to taking care of things on their own. They are often very independent and have a difficult time asking for help.
This love language is all about showing love and caring through actions like helping with chores or a project, grabbing something you know they'll like, and letting them sleep in.
Some important things to remember about this love language:
The love language of Acts of Service is about both things that will save them personal time, energy, money, etc. such as filling their car's gas tank so that they don't have to, as well as things that show thoughtfulness, forethought, etc. such as hanging the christmas lights you know your partner wants up.
Not all acts are created equal as there are some tasks that these folks may always want to do themselves while others they are more than happy to have help with or to have someone else take over completely.
Often for a person whose primary love language is Acts of Service, stepping in during a moment when they feel particularly stressed or overwhelmed is even more helpful and makes them feel even more loved and cared for. They will likely not ask for this help but the fact that you paid enough attention to notice and then chose to step in and help will mean so much to them.
These are often people who are VERY busy most of the time, who often take on too much, and are used to taking care of things on their own. They are often very independent and have a difficult time asking for help.
Receiving Gifts
This love language is all about tangible gestures like body adornment like clothes or jewelry, items for the space and home you share together or things that will make their life easier or more enjoyable.
Some important things to remember about this love language:
Those whose primary love language is receiving gifts are not de facto materialistic snobs by any means. These are often people who are rooted in the physical, who enjoy meaningful or useful aesthetic or trinkets that they can refer back to often or use regularly.
Giving gifts to people with this love language is not about breaking the bank or bringing home the biggest or shiniest thing. It's about showing that you listen and pay attention to them and know the kinds of things that they like as well as showing that you were thinking about them in a tangible way that they can hold onto. Things like little notes are a great gift that doesn't cost a thing!
Often for a person whose primary love language is Receiving Gifts, bringing home something you know they'll enjoy eating or drinking from the store when you shop, pre-ordering food or a beverage you know they always get if you arrive first at a restaurant, or leaving little things for them to find on their car windshield or by the coffee maker in the morning are ways to make sure your partner feels your love and appreciation for them.
These are often people who prefer to live primarily in the physical rather than philosophical realm of things, who makes lists of things they want for their birthday or christmas and can be any gender.
This love language is all about tangible gestures like body adornment like clothes or jewelry, items for the space and home you share together or things that will make their life easier or more enjoyable.
Some important things to remember about this love language:
Those whose primary love language is receiving gifts are not de facto materialistic snobs by any means. These are often people who are rooted in the physical, who enjoy meaningful or useful aesthetic or trinkets that they can refer back to often or use regularly.
Giving gifts to people with this love language is not about breaking the bank or bringing home the biggest or shiniest thing. It's about showing that you listen and pay attention to them and know the kinds of things that they like as well as showing that you were thinking about them in a tangible way that they can hold onto. Things like little notes are a great gift that doesn't cost a thing!
Often for a person whose primary love language is Receiving Gifts, bringing home something you know they'll enjoy eating or drinking from the store when you shop, pre-ordering food or a beverage you know they always get if you arrive first at a restaurant, or leaving little things for them to find on their car windshield or by the coffee maker in the morning are ways to make sure your partner feels your love and appreciation for them.
These are often people who prefer to live primarily in the physical rather than philosophical realm of things, who makes lists of things they want for their birthday or christmas and can be any gender.
Quality Time
This love language is all about spending time together doing things that elicit connection and closeness such as snuggling, playing a game or completing a project together.
Some important things to remember about this love language:
This is not about the amount of time spent together but rather what you are doing with that time together. For example, you might both have a whole week off of work together but are home working on different projects than each other whereas the day trip you made to the town where you first met really feeds your connection and closeness.
There are many, many ways to spend quality time together and it really comes down to communication about what you both will enjoy doing together as well as having the intention to do so. Simply setting aside time to connect and be with each other is the whole point.
Often for a person whose primary love language is Quality Time, distractions are the biggest killers of feeling connected. When intentionally spending quality time together, consider putting your phones, computers, maybe even the T.V. or other people away for the time being and focus on one another fully instead.
These are often people who enjoy and prefer either the slower, quieter moments of life OR the people who are always adventuring and finding new things to dive into. They often don't prefer a lot of structure for their off-time but would rather be together and let things flow as they will.
This love language is all about spending time together doing things that elicit connection and closeness such as snuggling, playing a game or completing a project together.
Some important things to remember about this love language:
This is not about the amount of time spent together but rather what you are doing with that time together. For example, you might both have a whole week off of work together but are home working on different projects than each other whereas the day trip you made to the town where you first met really feeds your connection and closeness.
There are many, many ways to spend quality time together and it really comes down to communication about what you both will enjoy doing together as well as having the intention to do so. Simply setting aside time to connect and be with each other is the whole point.
Often for a person whose primary love language is Quality Time, distractions are the biggest killers of feeling connected. When intentionally spending quality time together, consider putting your phones, computers, maybe even the T.V. or other people away for the time being and focus on one another fully instead.
These are often people who enjoy and prefer either the slower, quieter moments of life OR the people who are always adventuring and finding new things to dive into. They often don't prefer a lot of structure for their off-time but would rather be together and let things flow as they will.
It's important to note that people often do not GIVE and prefer to RECEIVE love in the same ways.
Someone might show love by giving gifts but prefer to be shown love with physical touch.
The key to it all is awareness and communication.
Someone might show love by giving gifts but prefer to be shown love with physical touch.
The key to it all is awareness and communication.